Have you ever wanted to get close to someone but for whatever reason they just won’t open up to you? This can even happen in husband-wife and parent-child relationships. There’s really nothing you can do to force the person to open up. As long as one person isn’t willing to open up, the relationship will remain shallow and even strained. We all know this.
We are born with a heart closed to God. It is our nature to lie to God, to others and to ourselves about ourselves. We avoid the light that exposes our sin and guilt. Jeremiah said, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9). Jesus put it this way:
For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God." — John 3:20-21
Even after we receive Christ it can be a struggle to be honest and open. Gradually, we begin to understand His intention toward us. Jesus came not to condemn, but to save (John 3:17). He leaves the ninety-nine and goes after the one stray (Luke 15:3-7). He is merciful toward those who fear Him (Psalm 103).
Why do we keep our hearts closed and pretend that we are perfect? Why are we afraid to be honest? Do we think if we tell the truth we will get in trouble?
Childhood lessons
For many of us, this default dishonesty goes back to childhood. What happened in first grade when a classmate confessed that he said a swear word? I can still picture the scene. The six-foot woman dressed in black—supposedly representing Christ—towered angrily over the small guilty boy. She dragged him out of his desk into a small bathroom and started washing his mouth out with a bar of soap. He was weeping and gagging as all the students watched in terror.
What was the lesson that day? Never admit guilt to anyone or else you could be punished and humiliated.
This is the world we live in. It causes us to project ourselves to people—and especially to God—“shiny side up.” We become experts at concealing our doubts, our resentment, our pride, our jealousy, our lust, our greed. We are so skilled at concealing that we conceal our guilt from ourselves! We tell ourselves that we are good—when we are not. John, in his epistle, says,
If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. — 1 John 1:8
Why in the world would we pretend to have no sin when Scripture says,
And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. — Hebrews 4:13
I believe the reason we hide our sins, and recoil when the Lord begins to probe us, is fear of punishment. It is how we have been conditioned—revealing guilt results in punishment, concealing guilt protects us. There is also a universal innate understanding inside every human that one day we will stand before our Creator and give an account of our lives. Our fear is warranted.
They show that the work of the law is written on their hearts, while their conscience also bears witness, and their conflicting thoughts accuse or even excuse them on that day when, according to my gospel, God judges the secrets of men by Christ Jesus. — Romans 2:15-16
Open book
What am I getting at? If we want intimacy and nearness with the Lord, we have to be an “open book.” It's impossible—even for God—to have a close relationship with someone who lies. What we need to understand in order to come close to the Lord is that He doesn't want to punish us. He always knows who we are inside—the good, the bad, and the ugly. His intention is not to bust us, convict us and give us a sentence. He's not coming in the spirit of law enforcement. His goal is not to deport sinners out of His good creation and send them to hell. He comes to reconcile and restore. He comes to wash and pardon. He comes to renew. He longs to be gracious.
Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. — Isaiah 30:18
I'm saying all this because if we are going to enjoy depth of intimacy with the Lord we must not pretend we have no sin. As long as we pretend to be righteous and justify ourselves, and approach Him “shiny side up,” the relationship will be strained. We must put our whole heart before Him in utter honesty. Hold nothing back.
House metaphor
Let Him into every part of the house: every closet, all the damaged parts, under the bed, the messy garage. Let Him see everything. When we begin to welcome Him into every part of who we are, something wonderful happens. He doesn't stomp around the house angrily as He finds more and more broken messy dirty parts. Rather, He is like a skilled master of restoration. He begins the work of demolition, trash removal and reconstruction. He then fills the house with beautiful things—like Chip and Joanna, but much better!
Oh, dear friend, I pray that you would understand this. Don't hide from the One who made you. Don't keep distant from Him. Climb into His arms and tell Him everything. Let Him in. Be honest. There's nothing you can tell Him He doesn't already know.
Drawing near to God is more than saying prayers, reading the Bible, reading books, and so on, just like a good marriage is more than eating together, sleeping in the same bed and having conversations. Hearts must be open.
Fruit of honesty
When we really open up everything and admit all the ways we fall short of loving God and loving people, the Lord begins to cleanse us.
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us. — 1 John 1:9
We discover the Father doesn’t want to nail us to the wall after we confess our sins; He reminds us our sins have been nailed to the cross. He doesn’t scold us saying, “How could you be so stupid?” Rather, He reminds us of our identity in Him as children of God. One of the great upside-down promises in the Bible is this: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34). Isaiah records something similar. God says through the prophet,
For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: "I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite. — Isaiah 57:15
What the Lord is saying is that when we are crushed in spirit over our sin (contrite), He does not crush us with punishment. Instead, He pardons, He revives, He pulls us near, He restores.
Tears of joy
I know this to be true from the Word of God and also experience. I admit that many times through the years I would fall into relating to God mechanically and self-righteously. I would have enough outward morality to feel like I was pretty good—at least better than others! Gradually, I would drift into a place where I wasn't allowing God to search me. Even if I heard something probing and convicting I would quickly deflect it. I had an answer for everything!
This kind of relationship with the Lord is empty. My unwillingness to be open and honest made me feel distant from Him. But eventually, the hardness and fakeness would begin to crack and melt and my heart would spill out a hundred things I was guilty of, often with many tears.
It seems like entering into that kind of utter acknowledgment of guilt would be horrible. If someone were to witness me weeping profusely, and confessing all the ways I'm guilty, they might think I’m being overcome with an unhealthy burden of guilt. Not at all! There certainly is genuine sorrow when I realize the ways I have wounded God, but the tears are mostly the tears of joy being overwhelmed by His mercy. It's hard not to just cry when we realize He doesn't want to punish us, but He wants to lavish us with His love.
So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. — 1 John 4:16-18