People who aren’t Christian often act very differently toward us in a group than they do when we are alone with them. It’s a strange social reality.
When I was a first-year college student at Syracuse University, the basketball team went to the Division 1 finals. After they lost, there was a huge crowd of disgruntled fans who took out their rage by vandalizing local businesses and smashing up cars—even police cars. Hundreds of students were throwing beer bottles at the police as they were caught up in the crowd dynamic. I’m certain that most of the angry vandals would never act in that way on their own. People behave differently in a crowd. Why?
Crowd dynamics
There are in-depth studies on crowd dynamics that I won’t delve into here but will just say this: whether we are kids, college students, or grown adults, we are all affected by what we call “peer pressure.” When humans are in a group or a community or a crowd they tend to be perceptive of how the majority thinks and behaves. We pick up on social norms, and we unconsciously strive to fit in. Perhaps it’s an innate social survival mechanism. There are exceptions, of course: some people seem to enjoy going against the grain; others seem unaware of how people think and act around them. But most people are very concerned about thinking and behaving like others around them.
I’ve noticed over the years that it is often much harder to engage in spiritual conversation with people who aren’t Christian if other people are around. They may be with their family, or with a couple of friends when we are trying to share our faith. Or, we may be trying to talk with them in the breakroom at work, or in the locker room with teammates within earshot. Most people who aren’t Christian are very uncomfortable talking about Christ in front of others.
Harvard Square heckler
I remember one time being in Harvard Square in Boston and there was a crowd of about 30 young people heckling a street preacher. To their credit, the preacher was pretty terrible and was scolding “the heathen” (as the preacher called them) without love. It was an ugly scene. One kid shaped his hair to look like devil’s horns and yelled out, “Look what you did to me, preacher. I’m the Devil!”
After things calmed down and people scattered I noticed one of the more vocal scoffers was alone. I decided to talk with him. I asked him if he was mad at the message of the preacher or the way the preacher was preaching. It was the condescending tone of the preacher that irked him. He actually had no idea what the message was (I didn’t either). He ended up sharing with me that a few years earlier he really tried to find God but felt like God didn’t want him. I was able to share my story of God’s grace and encourage him with the gospel message. He was like a different person talking to him alone compared to when he was caught up in the antagonist spirit of the crowd.
I’m not saying that we should never try to engage people with the gospel when other people are around, but just understand that it’s not ideal. The best environment to talk openly about spiritual matters is to be alone with a person. You’ll notice in the ministry of Jesus there were many times when he ministered to individuals: the woman at the well, Nicodemus, the woman caught in adultery.
Make serious effort
If it is true that people are more open when alone with us than when others are present, we should make every effort to be alone with them. I don’t mean we should take them to a remote place, corner them, and then clobber them with the Bible message. I don’t mean that at all. Just spend time with them. Listen to them. Share your life. Be a friend, not a preacher. Don’t push anything on them. Wait for God to open the door. Be patient. If a person is going to talk about something as personal as what they feel deep down about God—it has to be on their time.
What I’m saying is that most people are much more likely to open up about spiritual matters if they are alone with us. Therefore, we should be earnest about spending time with people alone. There are so many wonderful ways to do this: golf, hiking, sharing a meal, playing guitar, going to concerts, camping, building something, biking, running, walking, sitting around a fire pit, skiing, baking, surfing, studying, shopping, gardening, stargazing, and 1000 other things.
Sacrifice?
As Christians, we all eagerly desire to engage people with the life-changing message of God’s grace. I think, for most of us, this doesn’t involve doing some outrageous heroic thing. It just means making time in our busy lives to build friendships with people outside the faith. I suppose there’s a measure of sacrifice in doing this because we have much more in common with fellow believers. Being with God’s people is more comfortable and, usually, more enjoyable.
But if we are going to reach spiritually lost people, we need to spend quality time with them. With our tight schedules, it may come down to sacrificing time fellowshipping with Christians so we have time for unbelievers. It may come down to sacrificing some of our “me time” to build relationships with people who need Jesus.
I don’t even like using the word “sacrifice” in this context. Yes, people who aren’t serving Jesus might swear and use vulgar language. They might boast and gripe. They might express all sorts of sinful desires that are grievous to hear. They might drink too much. I understand that many “sinners” wreak of sin and it’s not easy to be around, but—how will we reach people unless we spend time with them? Too many Christians have become insular within their own Christian bubbles and have excessively distanced themselves from those who need Christ.
A beautiful thing happens when we build friendships with people who don’t know Jesus. Our love for them grows stronger and has a way of eclipsing their sin. I don’t mean that we don’t see their sin, but our love enables us to tolerate it. We begin to see the image of God in them. We see who God created them to be; we see their spiritual potential. We feel God’s love and desire for them. We see close up the work God is already doing in them. And we genuinely enjoy being with them. It’s not the same as deep Christian fellowship, and it’s not wise to even compare it to that. It’s a different kind of friendship. It’s good in a different way.
Isn’t 40 hours enough?
Some of you may be thinking, “But I am with unbelievers all day long at my job! Isn’t that enough?” It’s a valid question. The workplace can certainly be an opportunity to display God’s love. Not all jobs are the same though. I’ve worked at least 33 different jobs in my life—I know, it’s ridiculous. Some jobs are so busy that there’s little time for conversation. I think of times I’ve worked in restaurants or busy retail stores. Other jobs, however, like painting or landscaping, provide ample time to talk one on one with people.
Whether there’s time to converse at work or not, I still think it’s important to spend time with coworkers outside of the work environment completely. At work, you are simply a coworker. Hiking in the mountains with someone makes that person a friend.
— Scott A