I’m excited about our guest contributor today. Her name is Andria, a young wife and mom in our community. She was one of the first people to write at the very start of the 100 Day Pursuit after day two. God was already moving powerful in her. I can only imagine the deep work the Lord has done in her after 97 days! Here’s her note.
My name is Andria, from Providence. I began the 100 Days pursuit reluctantly. I am familiar with the kinds of things Christians say to those who are searching and that scared me.
Last year I read the whole bible for the first time. It was not edifying to me. Most of what I read terrified me. I was very much projecting the abuse of my mormon upbringing on God. There was a part of me that knew this. I didn't want to be sucked into something that would hurt me, like that, again.
I got my major questions on paper and began my search, reading and listening to any recommended material I had time for. Slowly, answers began to arrive. Still, I'm at a loss as to how people just seem to jump off a cliff just because God is at the bottom saying, "I'll catch you."
After months of trying to "pray myself out of it" I found a place of peace while praying. I stopped thinking about what I wanted to say and told God that I was listening. My mouth continued to move and words unguided by my mind continued to come out. Words I was still afraid to speak on my own. Words of surrender. Something about these words, as simple as they were, makes me want to keep them between God and myself. Still, they were a step He placed in front of me where I couldn't see one before.
I appreciate Andria’s raw honesty in her note. You can feel the intensity of the struggle transitioning out of her abusive Mormon experience into a healthy relationship with the Heavenly Father.
Distorted views
So many of us were taught concepts of God growing up that really messed us up, and it takes time to deconstruct and rebuild. It’s not just the cult of Mormonism that puts in us a distorted view of God. It’s a whole array of false religions and philosophies not based on the truth of Scripture.
I personally believe that the distorted concepts of God that come through forms of Christianity that seem to be Bible-based—but aren’t—can be the hardest to break free from. Andria mentioned Mormonism but Jehovah's Witnesses come to mind as well. But let’s get even closer to home. Many forms of Catholicism give us a portrait of a God of fear and guilt. Hundreds of Protestant expressions also create an idea of God who is demanding, ready to pounce, impossible to please, and casting into hell those who don’t do enough good works.
The common underlying element of all distorted views of God is a gross undermining of grace. The God portrayed is appeased only if we do the right sacraments, do two years on the mission field, go door to door selling the faith, or separate ourselves from society in extreme ways. All false forms of the Christian faith eventually cause spiritual confusion. There are also distortions on the flip side that view God as a soft Grandpa that doesn’t really care how we live but just accepts us as we are.
Sweet land of confusion
In America, it’s rare that someone who has no concept of God and Christ hears the gospel message and embraces it fully. Not that that doesn’t happen—it very much does in many places in the world. But in North America and much of the West, the overwhelming majority have some kind of concept of who God is. It could be from a strict narrow toxic doctrine like Mormonism, or it could be made up of 1000 little random pieces.
Everyone has a concept of God deep down, even if they aren’t religious. That concept may have come partly from their parents or other relatives. It may have come from movies they watched or music that has influenced them. It may have come from conversations with people. They may have attended different churches. They may have known a Christian. They may have listened to certain preachers or read certain books. And many other things. The shaping of our worldview, our concept of who God is, is intricately complex. It takes years to form and it’s always morphing—for better or worse.
Shaken!
What has happened to many of us is that we came up against the truth about God, and everything we learned about God was shaken. Everything we were taught in whatever particular strand of Christianity we were steeped in growing up, was suddenly in question. We found ourselves in a place wondering if what we believe about God is wrong or significantly incomplete. This is both painful and liberating. We are stubborn creatures and feel humbled when we realize we’ve been quite wrong about the character and nature of God for years.
This shake-up can happen in so many ways. The most common way is by hearing the message of Jesus proclaimed in power through the Holy Spirit. Something about the way the preacher or writer speaks awakens us to a new way of looking at God—and it rings true. Some of us had our entire concept of God come crashing down like a house of cards just by associating with someone who had a deep relationship with God. I’ve heard many testimonies of people share that they perceived God as cold and distant until they had an encounter with His love that melted them.
This transition from distorted ideas of God into the truth about God does not happen in a single moment. It doesn’t happen when we become a Christian. Andria’s story is a perfect example. Even though she’s been a Christian for many years and has probably listened to hundreds upon hundreds of sermons proclaiming the full glorious truth about God—those old false ideas keep clinging. It’s not so easy to change our conceptions of God.
My distorted Jesus
As I’ve mentioned in some of my earlier writings, I had a pretty negative experience in the Catholic school I attended as a boy. There are many wonderful Catholic schools and teachers in the world, but the school I went to had some serious dysfunctions that I’m quite sure the parents were oblivious to. It was not just verbally abusive but physically abusive. They pulled out hair, wacked our knuckles with a stick, and washed our mouths out with soap. Worse than any of that was the various forms of social humiliation we were subject to. I remember, for example, the nuns would paint a dark circle on our nose with black magic marker and make us go through the whole day with it. I would frantically try to remove it on the bus before I got home so my parents wouldn’t find out I got in trouble.
What was perhaps the most damaging about all this was that it was never followed up with grace. You know, a conversation afterward about what I did wrong and an opportunity to apologize would have brought peace. Instead, we were just despised a little more by the nuns each time. And we were left feeling utterly impoverished of grace. At that age (6-9) we assumed God was taking the side of the nuns—of course!
I hope it doesn’t seem like I’m picking on Catholics. It was just my experience and many people have had similar negative experiences in Protestant churches. In fact, many have had much worse experiences than me. I think of those who were sexually abused by leaders in their church. I’ve heard too many examples of precious kids who were sexually violated by those who taught them about Jesus. This kind of profound distortion of the faith is not easy to heal from. The damage goes deep.
My personal experience was confusing because it made me think that God didn’t like me. I was really afraid of Him. I’m not talking about a healthy fear of the Lord. I ran as far from the faith as I could. It felt like if I went to the Lord for mercy He would have lectured me for 3 hours and placed a burden of guilt on me so heavy that I’d sink into hell before He finished. Boy was I wrong! How amazing to discover that God is not what I thought He was! I discovered that He was so much more merciful than I imagined.
We need guidance
In our pursuit of a clear accurate concept of God, the Scriptures are the primary instrument God uses to reveal Himself. But as Andria points out, even Scripture can be tainted by the lens of our distorted views we grew up with. Especially when we are newer Christians, unskilled in interpreting the Word, we need guidance. There’s a reason that God designed the Church and gave us pastors, teachers, evangelists, prophets and apostles.
And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Ephesians 4:11-14
We need people who have a refined understanding of who God is to teach us. The ideal situation is to be mentored one on one by someone with a deep knowledge of God.
Sitting under the ministry of a seasoned pastor will also have a healing effect as his understanding of God will seep into us over time.
Another instrument of healing that the Lord uses is books. Especially in the first 5-7 years when my understanding of God was changing dramatically, I read many books that completely undid me. I remember, for example, Hinds Feet on High Places, by Hannah Hurnard. It’s an older classic book written in allegory. I could not stop weeping through the whole book as the Lord was shedding my distorted concepts of Him and revealing His love.
Keep digging
Even if we have been Christians for many years it is possible that we still have some distortions in our understanding of God. Don’t be discouraged by that. Just keep seeking Him. Keep digging into the Scriptures. It’s not easy to understand God since He is holy and just and wrathful and loving and merciful. How can He be all of these? Because He’s God. He’s unlike anyone we know. He will make Himself known to those who seek Him.
My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.Proverbs 2:1-5