All of us have experienced times when prayer just isn’t working. It feels like there’s a dark heavy cloud over us preventing us from seeing the Lord. The sweetness of communion is lost. Figuring out why prayer feels like a sandstorm in a desert is challenging.
Sometimes the problem is fatigue. I think sometimes we don’t realize how much exertion is needed to pray. When we are depleted physically or emotionally we probably just need some rest.
Another possibility of why prayer feels so hard is that we are under spiritual attack. No one knows exactly what happens in the spiritual realm. All we know is that there are invisible forces of darkness, demons, who fight against us. Their afflictions are not constant but are intermittent. For example, when Jesus was tempted by Satan in the wilderness the Bible says, “And when the devil had ended every temptation, he departed from him until an opportune time” (Luke 4:13). So there are times when the enemy is trying to oppress, accuse and confuse us. This is when prayer feels more like a battlefield than sitting on the Father’s lap.
Perhaps the most common reason that we aren’t enjoying prayer is because of sin that we are blind to. This is a massive theme that I’ll be exploring in the days ahead but today I want to address what I believe is the biggest hindrance to our prayers, namely, the sin of unforgiveness. It causes our prayers to dry up terribly. The inspiration and flow of words, the felt presence of God, the joy—all disappears. And the Lord Himself makes it disappear as a way of disciplining us. David describes the experience of being disciplined by God like this:
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah — Psalm 32:4
Experiencing hurt
All of us have been hurt by people. It's true that some have experienced more hurt than others but this world is so broken that we’ve all experienced a measure of injustice, betrayal, meanness, insensitivity and hate from people. The deepest hurts don’t come from strangers, of course, but from those closest to us. Some of us have had cruel words hurled at us that cut into the deep of our hearts and shattered us.
The culture around us tells us all the time that if someone hurts you, well, hurt them back. If someone punches you—then punch em back! We are told not to put up with anybody pushing us around. So many stories told through books and movies center on this theme of paying people back for what they’ve done. We eat it up! We love this story because it satisfies our inner longing to stick it to all the people who have done us wrong in our lives.
The Way of Jesus
In the upside-down kingdom of Jesus, He calls us to do the very opposite of payback. We are to forgive. And this practice of forgiving others is so important that Jesus says,
And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. — Mark 11:25
This verse is one of the strongest words Jesus spoke. What does He mean though? Because when we place our trust in Christ and become new creations, the Lord forgives us, right? If we hold a grudge toward someone in the ninth year of our Christian walk does that mean we are no longer forgiven and if we die we’ll go to hell?
I don’t believe that’s what Jesus is saying. Our standing before God is secure through the shed blood of Jesus. Our past, present and future sins are wiped out. We are secure in our salvation. He will never leave us. We are saved by grace alone and not by perfectly living out the commandments—even the command to forgive. A hundred other Scriptures would confirm that we cannot earn God’s forgiveness by doing any type of good works, even the good work of forgiving people. So what does this mean?
Jesus is talking about our relationship with God in this earthly life. The guilt of our sins has been once and for all removed. That’s a settled matter. But if we sin in some way in our walk with Him, we need to make it right in order to be forgiven and restored. Again, it’s not that our sin suddenly brings us back to a position of being under God’s wrath as a lost soul. But experientially, relationally, when we sin we must be reconciled.
It’s similar to the way marriage works. A husband and wife are committed to one another and nothing will break their vow. But if the husband hurts the wife in some way he’s going to need to apologize to gain her forgiveness. Consider this verse:
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. — 1 John 1:9
This isn’t at all referring to some point in our life when we said a “sinner’s prayer” at kids camp. He’s talking about an ongoing experience of staying in good relationship with God. We can’t just sin and not apologize. If we do, the Lord withdraws a bit from us and causes prayer to dry up. But when we humble ourselves and acknowledge our sin, He graciously forgives.
What is forgiveness?
Now let’s go back to this very human problem of not forgiving people. Jesus makes it clear we cannot hold a grudge. We must forgive deeply from the heart. It doesn’t matter what a person did to us; we must forgive. The longer we hold onto an ill feeling toward someone the darker and thicker the cloud over us will become.
The Bible does not teach us to “forgive and forget.” Some of us were deeply wounded by people and it’s literally impossible to forget. There are people who have physical scars on them from abusive fathers that remind them daily. The Bible also doesn’t teach that if we forgive we shouldn’t feel hurt. This too is unrealistic. Do we think Jesus wasn’t hurt over the betrayal of Judas? Or His own people who rejected Him? We would cease to be human if we were unjustly treated and didn’t feel the sting of it.
What we must do though is put the hurt in God’s hands. Scripture never says to us, “So you were wronged. Get over it. Don’t be a baby. It’s no big deal.” No! When people hurt us it is a big deal to God. Nobody gets away with anything. Justice will be done. But the Lord is saying to us, “Let me handle it.” Consider this verse:
Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." — Romans 12:17-19
If you’ve been really hurt by someone hopefully this comforts you in some small way. I think we don’t like to let go of our grudge because we feel like justice will never be done. But when we realize we aren’t throwing injustices against us to the wind but putting them into God’s hands, it satisfies that need for justice in us.
How to forgive
I want to caution all of us not to be too quick to think we’ve forgiven someone. How do you know you’ve really forgiven a person from the heart? When you think of that person you feel a desire for their good. You don’t downplay their sin or try to convince yourself what they did wasn’t really that bad. That’s an exercise in dishonesty! Rather, we feel something of God’s love for sinful people. While we were yet sinners Christ died for us (Rom 5).
Forgiveness also doesn’t mean we continue to pursue friendship with the person. No, the person might be toxic and we need to pull away. But we don’t try to erase the person from our memory. Instead, we pray for them and work hard to feel God’s mercy for them. Okay, one last verse and thought:
bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. — Colossians 3:13
It can be really hard to forgive someone that has hurt you deeply. I understand. I’ve been very hurt at times. This verse in Colossians I believe is the secret to being able to forgive others. It’s calling us to forgive others as the Lord has forgiven us.
If you are struggling to forgive someone, stop stewing about them and take some time to think about all the sins you’ve been forgiven by the Lord. Go back as early as you can remember—all the sins of youth, the rebellious antics as a teen, the pride of young adult years, neglect of the poor, sexual sins, lies, laziness, selfishness and ten thousand other things. Really remember all of it and see it there as a mountain of sin and guilt. Then remember how the Lord graciously wiped away all of your guilt. Not because you or I deserved it! But because of His mercy.
When we really comprehend the mercy of God toward us, it becomes impossible for us to withhold mercy toward others.