My family always teases me that I don’t like lights. In the daytime I prefer natural light, even if it’s dim, and in the evening I prefer low atmospheric lighting. But I really don’t like dark places.
James Turrell
A couple years ago we visited Mass MoCA, an art museum in western Massachusetts. We went mainly to see the James Turrell installation Into The Light. One room brought me down a dark hallway and another darker hallway and then another even darker turn into a pitch black room where I sat in silence and darkness for several minutes until I could hear my heart pounding. I could feel the beginnings of a panic attack bubbling up but was able to stay the course. I started to think of the “outer darkness” Scripture talks about. At one point I couldn’t remember which way I came in or which way the hallways went.
The whole experience was disorienting and unpleasant. I’m not sure if that’s what Mr. Turrell was intending his audience to experience, but that’s what happened to me. Dark places make us feel insecure, not in control. I think it’s true that humans have an aversion to dark places where there is no light. Our immediate reaction to being in a dark place is to escape and get back into the light.
Last Supper
I want to talk to you today about the dark place between the Last Supper and encountering the risen Christ. The disciples spent three years with Jesus and were brimming with hope, but then, everything went black. Christ was arrested, flogged, mocked, beaten, and crucified. They were suddenly cast into darkness and despair.
It all started right after that last Passover meal shared together. This was a long intimate meal with Jesus. The disciples didn’t realize Christ was about to die, but Jesus knew it. I imagine the meal was a little extra tender as Jesus was pouring out His final words to those He walked with for three years. I’m sure there was laughter and a sense of deep love. They ended the meal with a hymn of praise and went out feeling inspired and full of hope.
Suddenly
But then the lights began to dim. Jesus suddenly got very serious and told the disciples that they were all going to forsake him. Peter boldly insisted that even if he had to die, he would not forsake Jesus. And all of them agreed and insisted on their devotion. But Jesus insisted that they will deny Him, and that Peter will deny Him before the next morning. He then headed out to the Garden to pray and began to show visible signs of exceeding sorrow and distress. His prayers were so agonizing that He sweat drops of blood. All this was very strange to see as Jesus was usually so poised. Something dark was rolling in, and the disciples felt it.
Suddenly, soldiers came upon the scene where Jesus was praying. Peter pulled his sword out and cut off the ear of one of the soldiers. It was chaos. Some were fighting, some were fleeing. Jesus, however, did not resist arrest but placed Himself in the hands of the soldiers.
Scattered
We don’t know where all the disciples went but we do know they were scattered. Peter seemed eager to get close to where Jesus was to find out what was happening. He warmed himself by a fire with some others and denied even knowing Jesus. He was in such close proximity to Christ that they made eye contact. Peter went out and wept bitterly.
The other disciples may have been in their homes or out in the fields or caves. I’m sure they did whatever they could to find out information about what was happening with the trial of Jesus. They found out He was condemned to die by crucifixion. They likely heard that Jesus was ruthlessly flogged. Then, he was set in the center of about 600 men who put a purple robe on Him, bowed before Him in mockery, spit on Him, put a crown of thorns on Him, gave Him a scepter but then took it and beat Him with it. Eventually, He was led through the city in humiliation carrying His cross, being viewed as a despicable criminal. His hands and feet were nailed to the rugged pieces of wood that formed the cross. The youngest disciple, John, was present at the cross so He gave the disciples all the details.
All this was overwhelming to bear. The Scriptures say that the disciples were mourning and weeping. They were discouraged and doubting. They were also afraid and in hiding. They were talking with one another about what had happened but they could not connect the dots. Even after some of the women encountered the reality of the risen Christ and told the apostles, the “words seemed to them like an idle tale, and they did not believe.” They were doubting everything; nothing made sense. It seemed like evil was overcoming good.
Dark night of the soul
Going back to the conversation after the Passover meal, it is significant to point out that the disciples showed pride and over-confidence. They thought of themselves as much more highly than they ought. They assumed they were much more spiritual and devoted than they actually were. The time between this conversation and the conversation with the risen Christ days later was a dark place. They were broken and humbled. They came up against their own weakness and realized who they were without Jesus—fearful, confused, doubting and depressed.
The Lord allows them to sink into this place of darkness before the glory of the resurrection shines forth. Why? This is something the Lord seems to do in the lives of those who know Him. He allows hope to be shattered and brings us into despair. It’s a place of aloneness where the presence of God feels absent. It has been called “the dark night of the soul.” All those who have a deep relationship with Christ are acquainted with these dark places.
Many have been there
Job was in this place when he could not perceive the Lord. David describes repeated dark places in the psalms. Or how about this cry of the Sons of Korah—
You have put me in the depths of the pit, in the regions dark and deep. Your wrath lies heavy upon me, and you overwhelm me with all your waves. Selah. Psalm 88:6-7
I think of Paul after seeing the light of God like lightning come upon him on the road to Damascus. He also heard the voice of God. It was a powerful experience of God that gave him hope. But we tend to skip over the fact that God put him in a dark place for three days.
Saul (Paul) rose from the ground, and although his eyes were opened, he saw nothing. So they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus. And for three days he was without sight, and neither ate nor drank. Acts 9:8-9
Or think about the friends and family of Lazarus who mourned and wept for several days until Jesus showed up and raised him for the dead. Or think about Joseph thrown into a pit left to die. Or Jeremiah thrown into a cistern. Or Jonah in the belly of a whale. John exiled on the isle of Patmos. Nebuchadnezzar was driven into the wild and afflicted. We could keep going with examples. The Lord brings His chosen people into dark places.
Good wine
In order for good wine to be made, the grapes must be crushed and pressed and the wine must be isolated in a dark cellar for a period of time. Death precedes resurrection. I don’t just mean the literal death of our bodies, but—sometimes our dreams need to die, our strength needs to die, our effectiveness needs to die, our clarity needs to die, our confidence needs to die.
The Lord Himself arranges these spiritual blackouts on purpose. It seems to be the only way to break us down and teach us humility and dependence. Our self-righteousness and self-reliance are like relentless weeds that can only be dealt with by uprooting the whole garden. Paul puts it this way—
For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 2 Corinthians 1:8-9
Let’s trust Him
When we find ourselves in a dark place, let’s not be surprised. Let’s remember that this is orchestrated by the Lord for our shaping. We may not think there’s any reason for us to be thrown into a pit of confusion—but the Lord knows exactly what we need; He sees what we don’t see; He sees the future. If great men of God like Jeremiah and Job needed to be put into dark places, then let’s not feel wounded that we do as well. May we trust in the Lord and let Him do what He needs to do in us.
Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God. Isaiah 50:10
I could tell you about several dark places I’ve been in at times throughout the years. They are thoroughly unpleasant. It’s almost as if all of my personal strength is drained from me. I have a pretty strong will, at least in certain regards, and have always powered through obstacles by the grit of my teeth. I’ve always had this tenacious attribute, even as a child. But when the Lord puts me in a dark place, I have no strength. I’m brought to nothing and realize that I am nothing.
My dark place
Of all the dark places I’ve been in I think the most severe preceded my resurrection into new life in Christ. My high school years were rough, to say it lightly. I got in countless fights with people and was constantly being difficult with my parents. Drinking and drugs began to take hold of me. I went to Syracuse University my freshman year and really spiraled into the world of harder drugs. I ended the year with two weeks of pneumonia and did some further schooling at Umass and HCC until dropping out completely. I pushed away from my parents who were a constant support and drifted off into reckless independent living in Houston and then in Springfield.
The whole season from 18-21 is a blur so I can’t remember exactly when this happened, but my Aunt Rose died of cancer. I wrote about her in one of my earlier writings, if you remember. I loved her dearly, and she loved me. It really shook me to see her go. Because I loved her so much, I suddenly became very interested in what happens after death. Where was she? I remember being aloof at the funeral and absorbed in a small bookcase full of spiritual books. A particular book called Peace Of Mind drew me in so much that the funeral director gave the book to me. That set me on a serious pursuit of God.
I can do this!
Again, it was all a blur so I can’t remember the exact timeline of everything, but I remember setting out to find peace with God. I felt hopeful that I was on a good path. Using my strong will I started plowing through spiritual books and cleaning up my life. I remember taking out a vinyl record with teachings of a New Age guru from the East. And carefully reading Timothy Leary books and several other books that I found in the religion section of the library. I even got baptized in someone’s bathtub as an effort to be cleansed.
I’m not exactly sure what happened, but my newfound zeal to be good and spiritual did not last long. I discovered that it’s not so easy to be good and not so easy to stop using drugs. It was like I got rid of my demon for a little while but he was so mad that he came back with 20 demons even stronger who overwhelmed me. All I remember is that I went to a Grateful Dead concert and spent all the money I had on 100 hits of acid (LSD) that I took every other day for weeks. It brought me into a living hell.
Rock bottom
By the winter of 88-89 I was spent. Along with the acid, I was drinking and smoking pot continually, and getting sucked into the vacuum of cocaine. My mind was toasted. My despair was palpable. I was convinced I’d either be dead from an overdose or end up losing my mind completely and being a vegetable in an institution. I’d cut off caring family and friends and was practically homeless (a few drug buddies let me stay at their place).
I didn’t tell anyone (too cool) but I was absolutely terrified inside. I couldn’t stop the train, and I knew it was headed for destruction. I remember sitting in the back of a car one night shivering as I was coming down from all the drugs I had taken earlier in the day. I could feel my bones vibrating and my body deteriorating. I felt utterly disgusting inside and out. As I lay there I had one of those experiences where you kind of stand back and see yourself. What I saw was pathetic. In just 21 years, despite having a wonderful family and abundant opportunities for success, I had become a beast of sin. Addiction was tied like a tight cord around my neck and my motivation to clean up my life was gone. This dark place is where I lived coming into the spring of 89.
Doug and Dan
About that time, a couple of my musician friends who had recently become Christians shared the message of Jesus and their stories with me. I was so broken, and so filled with rage, that I completely rejected the message. Despite how much of a jerk I was, they still pursued me. They laid off preaching and just spent time with me. That allowed me to observe their lives and sort of taste what they had. I tried to keep my interest in Jesus hidden from them as much as possible but little by little my heart was breaking. I was so desperate for a new life, a fresh start, that I found myself hoping that this message about Jesus was true.
The message, to be honest, sounded a bit crazy. A virgin had a child? Okay. God became a man? Really? He walked on water? Jesus rose from the dead and talked with people afterward? I don’t know. It just all sounded wacky—like the crazy religious people you should stay away from! But in the evenings, especially late at night, I found myself musing about this Jesus message. Some dots started to connect, but it really wasn’t making sense. I wanted it to be true; I mean, the message promised a clean slate, a new life and eternity in God’s kingdom—who wouldn’t want that? But I’m not just going to believe it unless I know it’s true. I wasn’t praying at this point, but the Lord knew my heart was wanting to know if it was true.
Hope blooms!
After a very bad day of being kicked out of the place where I was staying I was walking down the street late at night. I don’t even know where I was going. I didn’t care. I was so tired, so hurt, so broken, that I was just numb. I didn’t realize it at the time, but the Holy Spirit was all over me. The way I remember it was that I was fully aware of my guilt. It felt like a two ton burden on my back that represented all my sin and rebellion. It felt hopelessly attached to me. I knew I was in a heap of trouble with the Creator.
At the same time, I felt a blanket of compassion around me. It was very strange. It was like God was showing me my great guilt but not condemning me. He was cupping me in His merciful hands. Because I wasn’t a Christian I really didn’t know what was happening but, all of the sudden, the floodgates opened. The presence of God fell upon me and I started weeping uncontrollably. For the first time in my life the Lord felt near—so near that I started pouring my soul out to Him freely. Somehow He made me know He was real and that He was listening. He made me know that everything was going to be different moving forward. In the spring of 89 the flowers bloomed and I bloomed along with them into new life in Christ.
Dark places are needed
The dark place that preceded my resurrection was all part of God’s plan. He needed to show me that I can’t be good and spiritual apart from Him. He needed to break me down and humble me. He needed to bring me to wits end. He needed to reveal to me just how dark my heart was in order to prepare me for the Gospel. He needed to make room in me for Christ to dwell.
I hope all this is making sense. The Lord Himself will bring us to dark places for His purposes. Some of you are in a dark place right now. Know that He is at work. Resurrection is coming.